I’m back to my original weight of 155 lbs. ARG. I have also regained my stomach of doom. I guess it’s nice to have a body that distributes fat evenly so I have an hourglass shape (though with a round tummy), but since I am short, any amount of weight I gain shows significantly on my body.

I’ve been eating a lot more irregularly and have been a lot more stressed out in my search for a job and an apartment. I have sent out so many applications and resumes and not many responses. GAH! I am running out of money.

I’ve only been back in the States for two weeks and I think I’ve gained back all the weight I’ve lost. Been looking for a job and sending resumes left and right, which means I’ve been sitting on my ass working on the computer and not being very active. Add to that living with roommates with terrible eating habits and my own lack of willpower to resist… ARG.

If I get to stay near school this summer, I swear I will use the gym. I don’t know if I still care about being thin anymore, I just want to be at my best health. Ok, I lied. I totally want to be thinner. It’s totally self-destructive behavior and adds to my low self-esteem. But I still want it. I guess that’s still the immature side of me.

I’ve been getting a lot of interesting perspectives about HAES (Health At Any Size), which is about being comfortable with your shape and size as long as you are doing good things for your body. I know that everyone has a natural weight threshold (varies with age) and body shape, and genetics dictate a lot of what and how we are… yet I can’t let go of this “fantasy of being thin” as Kate Harding puts it. It’s clear that she is right, yet the journey to self acceptance is so very difficult. I mean, what have you got to lose by loving yourself? NOTHING. Not enough people in America have the audacity to be comfortable with who they are.

And yet, it’s the hardest thing to do. There is always something about one’s self that is hard to love. Particularly the easiest to see and most widely criticized.

What a year this has been! I’ve been spending it (give or take a couple of months) in S and E Asia, working, volunteering and having a blast while learning some things here and there.

And now I’m back!

Hopefully I’ll be better at journaling this time around. I will also have access to a treadmill and will force myself to exercise more often. It’s IN the house so I won’t have the excuse of, “oh my god, exercising in front of others is so mortifying”.

Last I wrote, I lost 7 kilos. Then I gained some back. Starting out the trip I was 70 kg. Lost about 3 in Asia. Then lost 7 more while working at a place that shall not be named, and then gained 3 while on vacation (though I guess the entire trip was a vacation). So now I am about 63 kgs, when I checked two weeks ago.

I’m hoping to lose 20 more pounds by the time I start school again (2009). Money is going to be tight so it will help to deter me from eating junk food. I’ll also be busy with childcare (easy income during this terrible time of economic recession) which hopefully will be mean lots of running around. Did I forget that I don’t really get on with kids really well? The things I’ll do for money. Oy.

I went to my tailor’s yesterday to get some pants (trousers) redone because they have become loose in the past couple of weeks. This new job is completely stressing me out for ridiculous reasons. I don’t have time to eat or sleep and thus exhausted all the time. I’m not really sure how long I can continue this.

He remeasured me and I had lost centimeters everywhere. It might sound like good news, but I’m actually really concerned that this is a really bad way to lose weight. I just feel so down all the time. While I might look nicer, I’m really concerned about what my body is going through. I’m going to come back next week to check if he’s finished with the pants (though I doubt because he’s so fucking flaky… but unfortunately good at what he does) and I won’t be surprised if I have to get remeasured again. It’s a bitch though, because I know it’s all going to come back.

I don’t have access to a scale so I don’t have any solid numbers, but I’ve probably gone down a few dress sizes. He thinks I lost about 5 kgs since I visited last… that’s a scary number to lose in the span of a few weeks.

So I’m down to 67 Kg from 70kg… but I’m not happy so much as I am worried. I’ve not eaten very much this weekend because of the partying, and made myself sick this morning after breakfast. I did manage to keep down lunch though.

I think that losing even 20 pounds is too ambitious for the January date that is quickly coming. I think I will lower my expectations to 10 pounds by January 8, 2007. After that, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

Perhaps once I move into my apartment, my food situation will change. It’s hard to get exactly what you want when other people are making it, and frankly, I am craving some fresh fish and sauteed vegetables. For a country that has a lot of fish and veggies at relatively cheaper prices, it’s hard to get!

This whole no-access-to-a-scale thing is really annoying since I can’t really track my progress or lack thereof. I don’t really know what I am doing. This whole experiment was to teach myself new habits and change my lifestyle, not just what I eat. I don’t think I have really learned anything and that I am just adapting to what is available – which is great but I don’t actually live here and I wonder how things will be when I get back to the States.

Ok, enough whining, haha. I think part of my problem is all this negativity. I seriously have to change the way I think.

At TalesfromtheScales, they made a post encouraging mini-goals, so we won’t get overwhelmed with the big numbers and lose sight of our mission. My goal for the next couple of weeks is to drink less. A lot less. I don’t really like the taste and the only reason I do it is to meet people and hang out with friends. Seriously, so much of socializing here depends on bars and clubs. My budget doesn’t allow for this kind of lifestyle and neither does my waistline.

I just miss sitting in someone’s apartment for hours with a bunch of friends spending the day talking about everything and nothing. Quality time, no? If I can’t have ideas with the living, I’m going to pick up reading again. I used to spend hours with books (I buy more than I can read) and since going to Uni, I’ve stopped reading. Ironic, eh?

Well, this is my time to do what I never had the luxury of doing in America; here, I have all the time in the world for Dostoyevsky, Eliot, and whatever else they have at the meagre used-bookshops on the riverside. The selection is pathetic. But what can you do – this aint America.

Oy! I don’t know if this challenge is going to work for me. My diet (in the plainest sense) is completely different from what it was in the States. Here I eat much less and drink much more. When I think about my caloric intake, it is probably nowhere near where it should be, since I don’t eat very much, and the things I do eat are not as dense in calories as many western foods. Usually for breakfast I eat a noodle soup. Sometimes crab, sometimes beef/pork/chicken. For lunch, it is often rice and vegetables and some sort of protein (I love fish!) and often times I don’t even eat dinner. My appetite has definitely decreased; I can be satisfied despite the little food that I do eat. Perhaps it is an effect of the humidity. Who knows?

Whatever calories I do lack gets overcompensated with beer/wine/coffee. That is my main problem.

For the last few days I have been hanging out with expats, mainly American and British, and whenever we go out, it’s always for a drink or some western food (fries, pizza once). On my own, I don’t do any of this because of the cost being so prohibitive but also because it’s a social thing, you know? It’s tempting to while the hours away with a drink or two. Or three. It’s so unhealthy and bad for the heart, not to mention the complexion. But I have justified it thus far as welcoming myself to a new home and becoming familiar with a place entirely different from America. Of course everything is relatively cheap here, but with my allowance/budget of only $200/month that is meant to include both accommodation and food, it’s not wise to spend so much on drink. Hell, I don’t even like beer all that much (though I love wine… but that is too expensive to indulge in, even here). I have to say, however, that meeting these new friends have definitely made me happier. So much so that the loneliness is almost abated. Almost.

It’s just not doing very much for my pledge to lose weight and adopt better eating habits. On that front, however, I am definitely changing. I crave vegetables. I crave fish. Everything is so healthfully cooked that I can even indulge in doughy, white food and still not feel guilty as long as I get the vegetables. Since meat is expensive, anything you order will most likely be padded with vegetables and rice, which makes things so much better for you.

The school I work for also has an amazing cook and the meals have to be nutritious for the kids, so the food is loaded with fish and vegetables… and it’s amazing!

So if I can watch my alcohol intake and drink more water, all is good. Oy, and I’m totally planning to hit a bar tonight to meet some people.

The biggest problem besides booze is that I am adapting to the local diet here, which is almost nonexistent in America, and part of this idea of becoming a “better, healthier you” is about learning good habits. If I were to cook for myself in America, no problem. I love this food and can cook really well. The problem would be when I return to dormitory life and the only thing available is prepared food from Commons (the dining hall). It would be foolish to spend more money to NOT use my board plan, but the Western food they provide is tasteless and often fatty. There is of course, a good salad bar, but the vegetables available in the States is nothing compared to here. Not to mention the way it’s prepared.

Dear god, I will miss the food if anything here.

156 lbs.

Change of +1 lbs.

I’ve been eating much more healthfully this week.

My goal for this year is to learn how to take care of myself. That means, taking the time to eat breakfast, taking the time to wear make-up, taking the time to dress myself in flattering ways, and allowing myself to feel good about things.

It doesn’t matter what weight I’m at or where I am in life, really, because I always find ways to sell myself short. This is about realizing that I am worth it, the nice clothes (don’t have to lose weight to shop!), the good quality food (just because I’m a poor student doesn’t mean I can’t eat well), and most importantly, the time for myself (no matter how busy my life is).

The truth is, these goals are much more difficult than weight loss itself and profoundly affects me more than a bunch of numbers. They’re also habits that are much, much harder to change, because it’s about love. I think this is the most challenging part for the majority of people.